I can't
remember when exactly I met him. It must be at a very tender, influential age.
Thinking about it, I think I was groomed at an early age to love him. For
as long as my memory exist, he has been apart of my life. I
can't recall when we started courting and going out, nor when I somehow fell
into a love/ hate relationship with him. But it happened, and from then I was
hooked.
He is the type of man who calmed my nerves on
days when my anxiety was high. He loved me in a way that was stifling. His love
put a chokehold on every step up in my life, but He kept me safe by
making sure I never strayed from my comfort zone. Stepping out means risk and
risk is something he didn't want for me. He taught me
about self-sabotage by becoming that little voice in my head that
contradicts every thought that steered me in a positive direction. He taught me
to place myself last because there is always better than me; I wasn't good
enough. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and there he was pointing out
all my humanly flaws instead of teaching me to embrace me. I couldn't bring
myself to love me, because I was an irreparable record.
He tried to make me believe, over and over again that I was unlovable.
It has been a tumultuous relationship. Break up
after break up we made right back up. I couldn't live without him because he's
all I knew; my safety net. I was hooked on his phonics and vibrating on a low
frequency. Sometimes we took relationship breaks and during those phases I had
major growth spurts. I blossomed for a bit, I was happy, confident, in love
with me and proud. My sweet nectar though attracted him, so back again he came
buzzing. He made his presence felt without actions. I was too wuss to say or do
anything, his presence silenced me.
I became a slave to him because he
controlled my strength, my mind. He gave me little bouts of happiness but they
were always short-lived. I learned the art of deflection. I deflected
relationships, success, new challenges, risk, friendships; jobs just to name a
few. He made sure I knew I could never live up to the standards I dreamt of. He
made sure my dreams shattered in the palms of my own hand. He messed up my
mind. My thought process isn't "normal". I no longer know what I want
nor what I need because when they get fulfilled I'm still left feeling
displeased......wanting.....needing more.
I've been fed and ingested so many
negative messages that I am forever feeling bad. Feeling bad for things I have
no responsibility for, things I fear to come, bad for people, bad for myself,
bad for succeeding, bad for failing, bad for falling in love, bad for breaking
up, bad for not agreeing, you name it. I am convinced everything is my fault at
times.
I can't even applaud myself for small accomplishments because he taught
me to applaud for fireworks. I want to dream big, I want to always have
positive thoughts, I want to not run away from things anticipating a tumultuous
end. I want to ride the waves of experiences without creating anxiety in my head.
I want to not think of how things should be but instead, accept the process of
how things are. I want to break up with him, but I FEAR I won't know how to
live without him.
